Two Years Ago, Today

Two years ago, on Saturday July 28th, 2007; I was awaken by a text message informing me that Hisham had died the night before. I will not dwell on this simply because I do not want to re-live that experience - I don't have the strength to do that at the moment and I have been fighting all the mixed emotions for a week now trying not re-live it for the past few days and now especially that this day has come. I have already re-lived that day several times before and I wonder when I will start being not able to remember every moment of it ...
... I remember that a few months after that day, my friends and I were talking and Souha mentiond something about seeing me that day. She said she had never seen me crying before that day - simply because I don't cry in front of anyone, because in this cruel world crying is considered a sign of weakness and expressing such emotions leads to no where good! - and that when she saw how tearful, sad, and upset I was she became very upset herself ...
... I remember talking about Hisham with Hana, she was my high school friend and one of his ICU nurses; she admired him a lot; his strength, his endurance, his acceptance to everything and how he rarely ever complained even though he was in such great pain ...
... I remember never talking about him with my co-workers (except for 'M'); they rarely mentioned him anyway - if ever - and I didn't want to be the one who always reminded them that there was a person who was much more hard-working, honest, pure, and idealistic ...
... I remember a lot, some weeks there are days when I can think of nothing else but him ... some other weeks I think very little of him, on the latter days I feel much stronger and much less vulnerable ...
... I remember that at times I would get angry at him and we would exchange words which aren't nice, and I would get angrier; I regret those times ...
... I remember telling a friend that it is always the nicer, more idealistic, better, smarter, more innocent people who always die, and the ones less deserving of life who live much longer ... it was cruel to have said that ... but I still feel it is true ...
... I remember ... and I wish I don't ...